“Lack of boundaries invites lack of respect.”
This is what David’s best friend said to him when they noticed that David did not know how to separate his work from his personal life. David ignored them at first because he doesn’t see the harm in being passionate about his work as a Human Resource Generalist. He is always there to answer his boss’s call even outside of his office hours. He is always willing to work unpaid overtime. He even ran some errands for the company with his own money (no reimbursement was given). Even worse of all, he doesn’t have time for himself and his family since he spends most of his days working for the company.
Fortunately, David has a best friend who pointed out to him that he’d changed. The David who is bubbly and who never forgets to make time for himself and his loved ones was not there anymore. The David whom they know who has his own principle of not being a corporate slave in any way is gone. The healthy, both physically and mentally, David has disappeared, and all of this was due to him forgetting to set his own boundaries.
Just like David’s situation, it is difficult to establish boundaries with your own work or others, especially when you care about them. You may worry about hurting their feelings or upsetting the status quo. You may also struggle with setting boundaries because you don’t want to be seen as selfish or uncooperative. However, it’s important to remember that setting boundaries is not about being mean or uncaring. It’s about taking care of yourself and respecting your own needs.
Why Is Setting Boundaries Difficult?
Setting boundaries is difficult for you because you’re a “yes” person, meaning you’re a people pleaser. Your response to any trigger is “fawning” and you do this out of fear of how others will interpret your true reaction to a serious situation. This attitude is rooted in the idea, “If I can please this person, I can avoid conflict or pain.” (Learn more about the Fawn Fear Response) Find out your Trauma Response by taking the Fawning Trauma Response Quiz.
5 Important Things to Keep in Mind When Setting Boundaries
Here are 5 important things to keep in mind when setting your boundaries.
- Be clear about what you want and don’t want:
This means being specific and avoiding general statements. For example, instead of saying “I don’t want to be treated like a doormat,” you could say “I don’t want you to speak to me in that tone of voice.”
- Be assertive:
It’s also important to be assertive, which means standing up for yourself in a firm but respectful way. You don’t need to be aggressive or confrontational, but you should make it clear that you’re serious about your boundaries. Read this Boundaries Workbook; it will teach you how to say “no” in order to take control of your life.
- Follow through on your boundaries:
This means that if someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, you should be willing to take action. This could mean anything from ending a conversation to walking away from a relationship. It’s important to remember that you can’t control how others react to your boundaries. You can only control your own actions and reactions.
- Reframe the way you think about failure:
Instead of seeing failure as a sign that you’re not good enough, try to see it as a learning opportunity. Remind yourself that everyone fails at times, and that failure is a necessary part of the journey to success.
- Start speaking kindly to yourself:
Treat yourself with the same compassion and understanding that you would extend to a friend. Be patient with yourself as you learn and grow. Remember that you are worthy of love and respect, no matter what your inner critic might say.
Yes, we know that it can be difficult to set boundaries, especially if you are afraid of disappointing others. However, it is important to remember that you are not responsible for other people’s happiness. You can only control your own actions and choices. Setting boundaries is a way of taking care of yourself, and it is something that you should do for yourself, not for others.
Shirley Therapeutic and Consulting Services, LLC, is a diverse therapy clinic that can meet the needs of anyone. If you’d like to talk about your mental health, feel free to message us here. In case of emergency or thoughts of suicide, please click on this link: https://www.sprc.org/states/georgia
References:
Sussex Publishers. (n.d.). Why is it so hard to set boundaries? Psychology Today. Retrieved December 27, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rethink-your-way-the-good-life/201809/why-is-it-so-hard-set-boundaries
