Do not tell me how I should parent my children.
This is what a parent says to someone who corrects her on how she raises her child.Of course, that is right. We should not control or correct others, but as parents, there are times we need to also observe and accept if we have been doing something wrong in our parenting.
In this present generation, we all have different methods of parenting, especially when it comes to disciplining our children. There are parents who build their parenting around establishing fears in their children’s minds to remind them of what they should and should not do in a certain situation, while there are parents who build trust by allowing or letting their children do what they want and just correcting them after the mistake.
But since these two kinds of parenting are both prominent, which of the two is the best parenting-based? In this article, we will explore more about these two types of parenting, fear-based and love-based, by learning their definition, their cause and effect, and how to move from fear-based to love-based parenting.
Fear-Based Parenting
Fear-based parenting is parenting where the desire to protect and guide a child manifests unknowingly by building a fear in their child’s mind through restrictions. This kind of parenting appears to be overprotective. Parents who practice this usually do not let their children go through uncomfortable or tough situations.
Another prominent action of a fear-based parent is that they usually use the word “NO”. Saying this all the time leads to no communication between the parent and the children. It leaves the children no chance to question and learn about the situation.
Love-Based Parenting
On the other hand, love-based parenting is the opposite of fear-based. The love here comes from building trust with their children, which means they let their children do what they want without saying “NO” all the time.
They allow their children to make their own decisions while remaining present whenever they require guidance or have a question about something. Freedom and trust are the main values being formed in this parenting style.
Unfortunately, this kind of parenting seems to be hard for most parents to practice because, of course, they want their children to always be safe, but in reality, practicing this does not only bring emotional health for the children but also makes them feel more trustworthy as a person.
What Are The Causes And Effects Of Fear-Based Parenting?
Since we already know that fear-based parenting is not the ideal kind of parenting, let us dig deeper into where it is coming from and how it will affect our children.
Fear-based parenting comes from the fear of the parent seeing their children harmed or in danger. But due to this fear, they are not already allowing their children to make some mistakes and learn from them, which only brings them more danger, not physically but mentally.
Other than that, the effect of this kind of parenting does not only revolve around the fact that the children do not learn from their own mistakes but also they manage to not trust their parents anymore. They tend to keep secrets from them because they already know what their parents answer to their questions or whenever they are asking for permissions, it is “NO”.
This no trust of the children also comes from imitation of what a fear-based parent does. A fear-based parent is usually skeptical on what their children are doing which only leads to making their children feel not trustworthy and also the parents themselves not trustworthy also.
How To Move From Fear-Based Parenting To Love-Based Parenting?
In reality, there is no single type of parenting that is the best and should be practiced all the time because there are situations where fear-based parenting is more effective than love-based parenting, and there are situations where love-based parenting is more effective than fear-based, or sometimes practicing both is effective the most. But if you noticed that you’ve been only too focused on one type of parenting, which is the, let’s say, the most negative one, fear-based parenting, here are some ways you can move from this to love-based parenting:
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Understand Your Children.
Understand where your children are coming from. Avoid making judgments without knowing their side first.
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Allow them to make mistakes and learn from them.
Making mistakes is part of our lives, and there is nothing wrong with that. We understand that you only want what’s best for your children, but right now the best for them is to be able to learn to stand up on their own whenever they fall down.
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Build trust!
No matter how suspicious you feel about them, prioritize your trust. Trust is the main key to showing your love to them.
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Do not only be compassionate, but also empathic.
Consider how your actions may affect your children.Before reacting in certain situations, try to reflect first on how your children may feel about this reaction of yours.
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Learn from your experience.
Do you still remember what went wrong with the way your parents took care of you? Or what you wish they should have done instead of certain things they did. Keep those things in mind and try not to do that to your children. Parent your children the way you want to be parented.
If you’re a parent who’s struggling to balance your parenting style, please do not hesitate to seek guidance from a mental health professional like us.
And if you’re a child who does not know anymore how to handle your parents’ parenting style, which already affects how you live your life, mental health professionals like us are also here to help you out in this kind of situation.
Shirley Therapeutic and Consulting Services, LLC is a diverse therapy clinic that can meet the needs of anyone. If you’d like to talk about your mental health, feel free to message us here.
References
Dr GDr. B. Glenn Wilkerson is recognized as one of the nation’s foremost authorities in helping adults to provide the unconditional love and care which elevate the self-esteem and create a positive self-concept in children. He is President and Founder of . (2021, July 22). Moving from fear-based to love-based parenting. The ARKGroup. Retrieved May 1, 2022, from https://www.thearkgroup.org/moving-from-fear-based-to-love-based-parenting/
Hallowes, L. (2019, August 12). This is mind-blowing stuff. how to parent from a place of love, not fear. Babyology. Retrieved May 1, 2022, from https://babyology.com.au/parenting/relationships/how-to-parent-from-a-place-of-love-not-fear/
Harper West, & *, N. (2017, December 23). Love-based parenting: Stop using consequences. Harper West. Retrieved May 1, 2022, from http://www.harperwest.co/love-based-parenting-stop-using-consequences/
Wehrli, A., & Ashley Wehrli (3308 Articles Published) . (2020, December 13). Trust-based parenting vs. fear-based parenting: Is one better than the other? Moms. Retrieved May 1, 2022, from https://www.moms.com/trust-based-parenting-fear-based-parenting/
